Last Nursing Session - 3.29.12

I never thought I'd be the mom that breastfeeds my kids for a year.  In fact, before I was pregnant with Jackson, I'd shudder at the thought of nursing my child and would even glare at mom's that nursed their babies in public. I now feel horrible for saying such idiotic things about those mothers and thinking that they were just trying to get attention by nursing in public.  Since becoming a mother I have a new outlook on breastfeeding - and it's something I am not afraid of and actually want to scream from the rooftops; it's a BEAUTIFUL thing.  Trust me, I didn't go granola on anyone and I do NOT plan to nurse my kid(s) until they are 4 (there are somethings I just can't do), but I do believe that breastfeeding your child is not only the best thing for your newborn baby, it's CHEAP (ahem - FREE) and it's a bonding experience that only a mother and their child can share.  It's a unique experience that Malia and I shared for the last 348 days.

From the moment Malia was born, I was scared to death to nurse her. With Jackson, it was a bit of a struggle and it took us about 3 months to finally get the hang of nursing. When the nurse put Malia in my arms after they cleaned her up and asked, "Do you want to feed her" my immediate response was, "No."  I was couldn't bring myself to deal with having another baby that didn't want to breastfeed right off the bat. But after about 20 minutes I knew I had to do it, and so I did, and she did amazing! It was like she was showing ME how to nurse - and that was just the beginning of our journey. For the past year Malia has been an amazing eater and those moments when we nurse together were some of my favorites.  My world is pretty hectic with an infant and toddler, and when I could get away and just have that one-on-one time with her - we both were in heaven and I literally cherished every single second with her.

But, after going on vacation for a week, it just wasn't the same. I wouldn't change going on vacation and being in our dear friends' wedding - but I am very sad that my nursing with Malia came to screeching halt.  Something I didn't choose - and in that moment of realization that we were pretty much done - I cried. Upon our return, she wanted nothing to do with "me".  So for the last 2 months I have been exclusively pumping so that she could continue getting what she needed.  Luckily, she was still nursing 2 times in the middle of the night - which was hard on me with no sleep, but I wouldn't trade if for the world.  

About 2 weeks ago my supply started to tank and Malia dropped to 1 feeding in the middle of the night. Since my entire frozen stash was used up while in Mexico, I had to make a decision - one of the saddest decisions I've had to make - stop breastfeeding and transition Malia to whole milk.  I went back and forth for a few days, packed up my pump, then unpacked it, packed up all the bottles, then took out one (just in case), tried to nurse her when she was fussy - and then was refused. I will admit it, I was in denial. I knew it was over, I just needed to allow myself a moment of mourning and remind myself how lucky I am that we were able to nurse for 11 months and 2 weeks. Most moms don't get that far and I know I did the best that I could do. I am now okay with our situation and I am actually loving the fact that I can wear NORMAL bras again and find relief that I can run my errands and not have to worry about when Malia would need to nurse.

I guess it was harder with Malia because you never know what the future holds and I keep telling myself that Malia COULD BE our last baby. I am treasuring every single milestone with her, as it may be our last "baby" moments.....